The Perfect Gift

Are you looking for a nice christmas present or a birthday gift for your mother-in-law?

Well, I hope this story will help you.

Have a good laugh, everyone!

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Two guys were talking at work.

"I've got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?"

"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.



The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.

When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"



Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

Itlog

Kasarapan ng pagkaka-idlip ni Aling Nena nang makarinig siya ng katok ng piso sa pasimano ng munti niyang tindahan.

'tok-tok-tok'.

'Ano 'yon?', sabi ni Aling Nena.

'Meron po kayong itlog?', tanong ni Totoy.

'Wala,' ang sagot ni Aling Nena.

'Ako po, meron', sabi ni Totoy sabay patakbong tumalilis patungo sa mga kabarkadang naglalaro ng bahay-bahayan.

Ang Paghihiganti

Isang gabi, naglalakad ang isang lalaki sa may tulay nang may makita siyang babaeng nasa taas ng gilid nito at magtatangkang magpatiwakal.

"Huwag!", sigaw ng lalaki. At sa kabutihang palad ay nakumbinsi ang babae at siya'y bumaba.

Lalaki: Ano bang problema mo't naisipan mong gawin yan.
Babae: Kasi, iniwan ako ng boypren ko't sumama sa ibang babae.
Lalaki: Miss, ganyan din ang problema ko pero di ko inisip na magpakamatay.
Babae: So, anong gagawin natin?

Nag-isip sandali ang lalaki at sinabi...

Lalaki: Kung gusto mo, maghiganti tayo sa kanila.
Babae: Paanong paghihiganti?
Lalaki: Alam mo na ang ibig kong sabihin... (sabay kindat sa babae na nakuha naman ni babae ang ipinahiwatig na yon).

Maya maya'y nasa isang kuwarto na sila ng motel at nangyari na nga ang di dapat mangyari. Nang makaraos si lalaki, nagsindi siya ng yosi. Nang halos filter na lang ay biglang nagsabi si babae ng "Maghiganti uli tayo".

Medyo pagod, pero pinagbigyan uli niya ang request ni babae. Nang makaraos uli, nagsindi uli si lalaki ng yosi. Nasa kalahati pa lang ang yosi.

Babae: Maghiganti uli tayo.

Medyo nangangatog na ang mga tuhod pero dahil sa hilig, muling pinagbigyan niya si babae.

Muling nakaraos ang dalawa. Nagsindi uli si lalaki ng yosi. Unang hitit pa lang niya ay

Babae: Ganti uli tayo.

Talagang lupaypay na si manoy niya pero para huwag mapahiya ay muling pinagbigyan
niya ang kahilingan ng babae.

Pagkatapos kumuha siya ng yosi.

Sisindihan pa lang nang biglang...

Babae: Ganti uli tayo.




Lalaki: PWEDE BA! PATAWARIN NA NATIN SILA!!!!

Catch Me If You Can

Now Showing

Drug Test

Random Drug Testing for Secondary and Tertiary studes will formally start today. Sabi sa news, computer-generated ang gagawing pagpili sa mga estudyanteng masa-sampol-an.

In my view, dapat siguro eh hindi lang sa schools mag-conduct ng random drug testings. Pwede rin siguro sa mga private and government offices, pati sa Senado at sa Kongreso, at kahit sa entertainment industry.

Isipin mo na lang kung may mga mahuhuling sikat na artista na gumagamit pala ng droga.

Bongga divah?!

Meron akong mga suspects.....



Noong hindi pa naglilipat-bakod si Angel sa dos at nasa siyete pa siya, sikat na sikat yung palabas niyang Darna.

Tingnan natin, tuwing episode ng Darna, lagi siyang nag-babato.

Si Ding? Aba, wala nang pag-uusapan.

Siya yung pusher. Kasi siya yung laging nagsu-supply ng bato kay Darna.

Laging sinasabi ni Darna, 'Ding! Ang bato!

Pagkasubo niya ng bato, ayun, nakakalipad na sa kalawakan.







Isa pa 'tong si Aga.

Iba naman ang tinitira-Cough Syrup.

'Di niyo ba napapansin, lately eh pumayat si Aga?

Ang epekto naman ng cough syrup, nakakakita siya ng kung anu-ano. Andiyan yung nakikita niya yung mga kaloob-looban ng mga tao, nagiging see-thru kumbaga.

Ang pinakamalupit doon, pati bata, gustong ipahamak sa gorilla.

Ay, etong si John Lloyd, walang duda.

Eh, drug dependent ito!

Imagine, konting sakit nang ulo, lunok agad ng gamot. Actually, kahit nga walang sakit ng ulo eh, magbibyahe lang, magbabato na agad ng tabletas sa bibig, sabay sasaludo.

Parang, baka nga mauntog lang ito o 'di kaya kagatin ng langgam sa bumbunan eh biglang dudukot ng tabletas sabay lunok- 'TOK' tsaka sasaludo,

Ingat!

Mr. Palengke(ro)

****I actually would want to refrain from posting this because of some offensive words but am posting it anyway because this really made me laugh. Forgive the words, though.*****


Speaking of the 2010 hopefuls (see previous blog entry), I was able to browse through this funny entry on The Professional Heckler's blog about the scene-stealing cursing of our Honorable Senator Mar Roxas during the anti-cha cha rally in Makati wherein Roxas shouted


“Putang-ina! Patayin ang Gloria Forever Cha Cha na ito!”

to the surprise (and dismay) of the people who heard him.

Here's the Professional Heckler's Top 10 Messages Left on Sen. Mar Roxas’ Answering Machine:

10: Senator Roxas, this is Yolly Ong of Campaigns & Grey. I think you’ll need our help.

9: Mar, Si Archbishop Cruz ‘to. Amen!

8: Hello senator, Danton Remoto here. Naloka ako sa ‘yo!

7: Hi, it’s Teddy Locsin. I thought my “Fuck You” then was good. But your “Putang Ina” was awesome!

6: Mar, si Erap ‘to. Salamat sa pagmumura mo. At least, mas madaling ma-narrow down ang choices ng opposition.

5: Manuel, this is your mamita! Hijo naman, ano na lang ang iisipin ng akin mga amiga? Na ikaw ay persona mal educado? Na mal ejemplo ako bilang madre de familia? Usted debe pedir perdón! (Read: You must apologize!) Ora mismo!

4: Hello senator, Danton Remoto again. In fairness, lalaking lalaki ka that night!

3: Hon, Korina here. Ang tanga-tanga mo! ‘Di ka ba na-inform na may nakatutok na camera?

2: Mar, it’s Senator Villar. Hahahahahahahahaha! One down.



And the No. 1 message left on Sen. Mar Roxas’ answering machine…



1: ‘Tol, si Mikey ‘to. Puta’ng ina mo rin!

Hiwaga ni Jollibee

(Pauna: Hindi tungkol kay Jollibee ang blog na ito)

Hindi ko alam kung ano nga ba ang hiwagang bumabalot sa katauhan ni Jollibee.

Pag tinanong mo kasi yung karamihan ng mga bata, mas prefer nila si Jabee kaysa kay Mcdo. Kanina lang, dumalaw sa opisina yung anak ng officemate ko at tinanong namin kung saan nya gustong kumain-sagot agad nung bata-Jollibee (with matching kembot pa)!!!

Kahit man kasi yung mga pamangkin ko noong maliliit pa sila, mas gusto nilang kumain sa Jollibee. Actually, one time, biglang umiyak yung pamangkin ko nung nakita nya si Ronald Mc Donald.

Somehow, totoo namang mas approachable sa bata si Jollibee. Hindi ko alam, pero para nga naman kasing nakakatakot minsan yung hitsura ni Mc Do.

Parang clown na multo na ewan.

Somehow, malaki rin ang epekto ng internet kung bakit mas palagay ang loob ng mga bata kay Jollibee kaysa kay Ronald Mc Donald.

And while the internet, via Wikipedia, disclosed that:

“ The smile known around the world," Ronald McDonald is second only to Santa Claus in terms of recognition."

(Although pupusta ako na kapag dito ginawa ang survey eh baka mahigitan pa ni Jabee si Santa)

hindi pa rin maikakaila na maraming nakakalat na pictures sa internet na against kay kawawang Ronald. And somehow, kapag nakita na ng mga bata, eh medyo nare retain sa memory nila na bad si Ronald.

Katulad na lang nito:

Isipin mo, bata pa lang, ganyan na hitsura (Ang anak ni Janice.......)

Eto naman ginawa pang killer... caught in the act... (di kaya yan ang ginagawang palaman sa hamburger????)

At dahil caught in the act.....

Ayan.. nahuli na....

Eto naman yung mga 'mas' scandalous:

At kung hindi pa talaga nakuntento sa akbay.....

Ah, itong huli ang pinakamabigat na rason kung bakit takot ang mga bata ke Mcdo:

Ang Alamat ng Sinumpang "Bird"

ANG ALAMAT NG SINUMPANG "BIRD"

Malaki ang problema ni Pedro.

Ga-higante ang kanyang ... kuwan...... 25 inches.

Dahil dito, ayaw siyang pakasalan ni Maria.

Naisip niyang humingi ng tulong kay Manang Belen, ang arbolaryo sa kanilang lugar. "Naku Pedro", wika ni Manang Belen, "iisa lang ang remedyo sa problema mo. Kailangan hanapin mo ang mahiwagang loro sa tuktok ng bundok at hilingin mo na pakasalan ka niya. Tuwing tatanggihan ka ng loro, liliit ng 5 inches ang kuwan mo."

Umakyat si Pedro sa bundok. Nang narating niya ang tuktok, nakita niya ang mahiwagang loro.

"Mahiwagang loro, pakasalan mo ako", halos binulong lang ni Pedro sa kaba.

"Ayoko!", sagot ng loro.

Pag silip ni Pedro, 20 inches na lang siya!

"Mahiwagang loro, pakasalan mo ako", mas malakas niyang binigkas.

"Ayoko!", sagot ng loro.

Pag silip ni Pedro, 15 inches na lang siya!

Minsan na lang para matuwa si Maria.

"Mahiwagang loro, pakasalan mo ako", halos napasigaw siya sa galak.

"Ang kulit mo naman!" sumbat ng loro,
"Sinabing Ayoko! Ayoko! Ayoko!"

Ito ang nangyari sa kuwan ni Pedro! (scroll down pls.....)
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Bakit Nagsisinungaling ang mga Lalake

Karpintero itong si Jojo at isang araw eh gumagawa siya ng isang bahay sa tabi ng ilog. Sa lakas ng pagma-martilyo niya eh nalaglag ang martilyo niya sa ilog.

Umiyak siya at lumitaw yung guardian angel niya,

"tutulungan kita, Jojo"

...sabay lundag sa ilog.

Lumabas ito na me hawak na gold hammer,

"ito ba ang martilyo mo?"...

"hindi po"...

Lundag uli ang anghel at lumitaw na me silver hammer,

"ito ba?"...

"hindi po"...

Lundag uli sa ilog ang anghel at lumitaw na me ordinary hammer,

"ito ba?"...

" Opo" ...

natuwa ang anghel.

"Dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo, sa'yo na rin ang gold and silver hammer"...

Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Jojo sa ilog at kasama ang misis niya. Eh sa katangahan, nalaglag si misis sa ilog...iyak si Jojo.

Litaw si guardian angel, "tutulungan kita"...

sabay lundag sa ilog at ng lumitaw eh kasama si Diana Zubiri,

"ito ba ang misis mo?"

...sagot si Jojo, "opo"

...nagalit si anghel,

"sinungaling ka. Akala ko pa naman mabait ka"...

Nag- reason-out si Jojo,

"sorry po, angel...kasi kapag sinabi kong 'Hindi', eh lulundag ka uli sa tubig at pag-litaw mo eh kasama mo si Katrina Halili. At pag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko, eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay na misis ko na ang kasama mo.

At dahil sa kabaitan ko, eh ibibigay mo din sa akin sina Diana at Katrina.

Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa, kaya 'Yes' na lang ang sinagot ko nung una."


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Kaya lang naman nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki eh for a good and noble reason.

The Dark Knight Syndrome

News have it that The Dark Knight movie starring Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, and Heath Ledger is continuously breaking box office records.

Anyway, much have been said about the movie on my review, however, as I have already stated, one of my very few comments was Bale's voice whenever he wears the Batman suit. Many more articles have also circulated concerning this so I think the producers really have to adjust on this one on their next sequel.

Another thing of significance is whoever will be the most fit replacement for Heath Ledger. As we know, Ledger gave a very stunning performance for his Joker portrayal.

Now, talks have it that this mysterious artist will gonna be taking on the Joker role on the next Batman sequel.

Negotiations are already underway. And as to how much would be the asking price, maybe a couple of fishes will do :)

Thanks, myke, for sharing this one :)

Have a good laugh everyone!

Vote Wisely

A nice story on making the right choices during elections.

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While walking down the street one day, a Philippine senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "

Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders."I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The other day I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says, "The other day we were campaigning ...Today, you voted."

Grandma Goes to Court

In a trial, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Fuel Prices Going Higher and Higher

For about how many months now, there seems to be an unstoppable upscale of Gasoline and Diesel price not only in the Philippines, but also in most part of the world.

In the Philippines alone, gas prices rise every weekend by at least a peso per liter. And economists analyze that it could go much higher still in the coming months.

Thus, militants groups are again on the outrage and continues to urge the Philippine Government to do something about it; while the LTFRB has recently approved an increase on transportation fares.

On a positive note, however, motorists are experiencing less traffic because some of the motorists prefer riding on public vehicles rather than using their own private cars. People also tend to flock to the MRT and LRT rather than in jeepneys, buses, and AUVs because of the fare increase.

Recent study shows a different trend in the Automobile Business.

The sale of 2nd hand cars have declined significantly.
Buyers also prefer having the diesel-run cars rather than those vehicles using gasoline.
Also, vehicles with smaller engines (thereby using smaller volume of gas).

In any event, we all hope that this fuel crisis will finally end. Not unless in the future, we'd want the following video to actually happen in our country.

Pfizer Announcement- Thought for the Day

-got this email announce from a friend-

Now really, this should be the Thought for the Day.
It makes sense-yeah, really. It does.


Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

-Pfizer made it.

No Entering

Nasa Top 3 daw ang Pilipinas sa paggamit ng English Language. Siyempre una ang Amerika. Pangalawa yata ang United Kingdom. Kaya hindi nakapagtatakang nag-hit ang Call Center Business dito sa Pilipinas. Fluent kasi tayo sa English Language.

Ang kaso, dahil sikat tayo sa inglisan, madalas, pinagtatawanan natin yung mga kapwa natin Pinoy na mali mali ang English Grammars. Na kapag may na-wrong grammar eh, kung mapagtawanan natin, akala mo naman napakalaking kasalanan na ang nagawa.

Pero kung ikukumpara tayo sa ibang bansa, sa palagay ko naman eh far better pa rin ang mga Pinoy sa paggamit ng wikang ingles.

Gusto mo nang prove? Start to browsing and enjoyment!





Yes, here. Enterness. On the other side is the exitness.









Oh, you, naughty, naughty... I said, no touching.....


















Yes, Don't ever, ever...!!


















Is this for guys who are actually.... gays????









Gudlak! Sabihan mo na lang ako kapag nakita mo ha. Kanina ko pa hinahanap eh.









You! You a man? keep out, man.









Sure, this one's a must-see!









Ladies, remember, ha???


















Well, of course, you can always try to make it fall down....









Press na ikaw....









Oh, I don't need one. I've got so much already.









They say women above 30 have difficulty getting pregnant.



























I'm warning you!!









Don't!!!! Kick it!!!!!









Never, ever, ever...









hmmm.....









Guys will love this deck.









Yes, welcome one and all!!!!








[the pictures were collected from two emails sent to me on 2007, so i don't really know where to give credits for these. anyway, i tried checking engrish.com and it's an active site.]